BDSM. There are no shades of grey.

I'm a bit of an outsider in the BDSM scene. I make leatherwork, much of which is in demand from people in the scene, and it is a fascinating place. It is an umbrella term covering a huge number of practices from voyeurism to domination, slave/master relationships to intense pain and degradation. It is certainly not for everyone.

There is one thing that the whole BDSM community can stand behind though, and that is that all play, all scenes, all relationships, are consensual. SSC, or Safe, Sane and Consensual, is one of the terms you'll hear used. There are others, particularly for the heavier end of the scene, but mostly you'll hear SSC. What does it mean? Exactly what it says. Whatever your kink, keep it safe, sane and above all else, consensual.

No abuse. No threats. No Mr Grey.

Consent is not something of blurred lines, there are no grey areas. Either you have consent or you do not. If you have consent and the other party changes their mind for ANY reason partway through, you stop - you no longer have consent. If the party is unconscious and you have not already discussed this scenario, you do not have consent. Consent is the absolute key to BDSM relationships.

Everyone has limits, but in BDSM you can define those limits easier than in 'vanilla' life. You can, and are encouraged to, define exactly what you are comfortable with, what you are willing to discuss further before deciding whether to try it, and what you will not do. Your partner or partners know then what your desires are, and you know theirs. You all agree what is acceptable.

50 Shades is not BDSM. It is a series about a deeply disturbed individual who uses his wealth , position, threats, and the innocence of his victim, to manipulate her into doing things far outside her comfort zone. This is abuse, plain and simple.It is a man who openly admits to being mentally unbalanced forcing his will on another and using guilt to keep her from leaving. This is a stereotype of an abusive household, not a BDSM relationship. He encourages empathy and uses that to force her beyond her limits. He uses threats, both economic and physical, to keep her from leaving. He does this not with an experienced woman but a naive, inexperienced virgin. She stays partly through fear, partly through guilt and partly through thinking she can 'fix' him.

She cannot fix him. That would take a fully qualified and experienced mental health team and many years hard work on HIS part, not on hers.

Find entertainment in the book if you can. Watch the movie if it appeals to you, but do not ever make the mistake of thinking this is what BDSM is. This series is about abuse and domestic violence, sexual harassment and mental instability, not BDSM.