The Dark Side - Mental Illness, my chronicle. Part 1

I feel I should try and document how things changed for me following the loss of my father. I didn't just lose someone who had been very important to me, I also lost control of a part of myself I had not known was there.

The grief I felt at losing my father did not seem able to surface. Dealing with emotions is something Autists often have issues with, and I am no exception (Autist is a term used by those on the autistic spectrum to describe themselves). I found myself unable to express my grief, and instead if dealing with it, it built up until it broke a part of me. The only analogy I can think of that fits is that my feelings, my emotions, especially the darker ones, had been pushed under the surface, the weight of them building up pressure until finally, it was too much. Whatever I had put in place to keep them from me was too eroded to hold, and instead of trying to deal with one loss, I was now dealing with all the losses, angers, resentments, fears and insecurities that I had buried in the dark side of my mind.

I had my first anxiety attack only a couple of months back. It's a very scary experience. I can only liken it to how I imagine claustrophobia to be - everything seems to crowd in around you, not enough space to move or breathe, even though I was in the open air, no roof over me. I felt detached from myself, not able to affect what was happening to me. I don't know how a neuro-typical mind handles this sort of thing, for me the only saving grace was the distraction and support offered by a call from my wife. Being a trained counsellor, she was able to recognise the symptoms I described and talk me through, enough to finish what I had to do and get back to her. Being as we were at a social gathering of friends, I then went back to the car to collect something for my wife, and by the time I got back I was able to cope with the people we were meeting.

All those people were ones I knew, all were friends. It didn't matter. At the outset, all I could see was a crowd, a suffocating mass of people that I had to escape.

Without my wife's support, I doubt I would have managed to stay until the symptoms subsided enough for me to function again. I was able to enjoy the event, and have some quiet chats with friends, away from the main group, and even join in a little with the group.

There are some things that can set me off just by thinking of them. Officials, appointments, anyone angry or emotionally unstable - even just thinking about them makes my hands want to shake, my typing slows, words don't want to come, or they are spelt wrongly. Yes, I'm talking about right now, writing this, with my eyes burning with tears I don't know how to release, my chest is tight and my muscles tense. Nobody here but me, the cat, and my wife, who's having a nap, and yet just the thought of being in those situations is enough.

Yesterday and the day before, I was at a very large event, Gold Coast Supanova. It's similar to the SDCC or Dragon Con, though on a smaller scale. Scale doesn't mean much when you're still talking of thousands of people in one place. With the support of friends and my wife, I got through it with only one serious episode - the one and only time I went to the loo all weekend whilst at the con. I lost my bearings on how to get to the exit, and by the time I got them, I was feeling as though every single one of the 20k+ people in the convention centre was going the exact opposite way to me, and, naturally, the toilets were the other side of the rooms where the guests were giving talks, and I got there as they were all leaving one of the talks.

I have never been so glad to get to the loo. Ever.

I didn't try going again. That was on the Saturday. Sunday, I did not even feel the urge to use the toilet until I was back home. 7am until around 8pm, it did not even occur to me.It had scared me so much I did not even feel the need to go until I got home. That is how strongly my mind had control yesterday. I was drinking normally, but did not even feel the discomfort of a very full bladder. Not until we got home.

People tell me how well I'm doing. What they don't see - what even I don't see most of the time - is how much of what I do is a matter of unconscious coping mechanisms that I have built up over the years. I'm not dealing with things, I am avoiding being in those situations. I do this even when it results in serious discomfort, and I don't even feel the discomfort, that's how good a job I can do.

Well, that is probably the first 2 or 3 parts :P I wasn't meaning to write so long, but there it is.

Welcome to the dark side. No cookies.

The State of Mental Health

For the sake of my mental health, I will be avoiding political posts for the foreseeable. There are so many things in the world right now that demand attention, so many right-wing governments and candidates that have so many policies I cannot abide or agree on, that it has gotten to the point it is seriously affecting me, and in the state I am at present, I cannot deal with it.

It is not that I don't care about these things any more. It's that I care too much, and I am unable to cope with seeing the whole world turn harsher by the day

I used to be classed middle-of-the-road. I supported neither the far left nor the far right. My views have not changed. The parties however, and the perception of the views held by those parties, has. I am now considered far left, and by some, extreme left.

I will not be blocking, unfollowing, or unfriending. I will simply be scrolling past. It's the best I can do with what I have right now. Some things will still punch through, but mostly, they see me scrollin'...

Obama planning executive measures on gun control

I'll be honest, if you love your guns, this is not going to be your fave post.

http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-obama-guns-idUSKBN0UF1XS20160101

President Barack Obama, frustrated by Congress' inaction on gun control, will meet with U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch on Monday to discuss ways of reducing gun violence unilaterally through measures that do not require congressional approval.

For me, it's about fucking time! The US has the most horrendous record on gun violence that's more like that in a 3rd world country than the "leader of the free world" they think they are.

It's well past time to put controls in place. This doesn't have any impact on your precious amendment, as you are not a 'well regulated' militia. That's the problem, there IS no bloody regulation.

Gun control does not mean abolishing guns, it just means that there are less guns available, and it's harder to obtain them. It means people on the 'no fly' list as suspected terrorists can't get guns - a move which the NRA blocked recently as it would infringe on their rights. It means RESPONSIBLE gun use, with proper storage and none of this bullshit keeping it in your bedside drawer for any thief or unbalanced offspring to take. It means not having assault weapons, which are only of use to the military while on deployment, and nutjobs looking to shoot up a school!

If you're a farmer, or have a property, or hunt, then you have a reason to own hunting weapons. I can see no actual need for any city dweller to own a handgun. In most cases where they are used as 'protection', it backfires on the possessor of the weapon, or gets innocent bystanders killed.

If you want to keep your guns, keep them safe. Use a gun safe. Store ammunition responsibly. make it impossible for any interloper to take your guns. Maybe then I'll have some sympathy with you. But bleating about your precious amendment while kids are getting shot at in job lots just makes me SICK.

Generation Why?

There's a lot being said about Generation Y, about why they are called that.

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and get my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Thing is, the world is a lot different to Gen X times and before. I'm Gen X. When I left school in the late 80's I could walk out of a job on Friday and be in work somewhere else on Monday. People could afford to get on the housing ladder in their 20's. Petrol and insurance was cheaper, and wages more readily reflected the cost of living.

Y don't you get a job? 

$50k in debt on a Uni degree and all the employers want 2 years experience minimum for anything worthwhile and unskilled work still has 100+ people applying for every position. They are between Scylla and Charybdis whatever they choose.

Y don't you leave home and get your own place? 

With the gradual drawdown of the buying power of wages over the last 20 or so years, most Gen Y's are struggling to even get a room in a shared house, let alone get their own place. Utilities are way up, rents are obscene, and the only thing worse than the rents are the house prices!

Y don't you get a car?

Buying, insuring, and running a car has never been more expensive. Driving lessons are a wistful dream to someone who's struggling to buy more than ramen again this week. Public transport costs just keep getting higher as well.

Don't judge people by a standard that no longer exists. This isn't the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, etc.. It's 2015. Things are quite different from how they were when we grew up. If you have to judge, at least try to base it on current conditions, not how it was when you left school.

An open letter to the Lib Dems in the UK

To the Liberal Democrats​ party in the UK, I would like to say this:

The results of this election, at least as far as the Lib Dems go, were clear to me all the way back to the last election. You were the party with integrity, the party we were hoping would give us something new in politics in the UK. You were the only hope we had of breaking the deadlock of the 2-party system.

You chose, with the seats you gained, to enter into coalition with the Conservatives. You promised us you would be the brake on their ambitions, you promised us you would ensure their policies were fair and that the policies we had voted for as Lib Dem supporters would be a part of the coalition package.

You lied.

Your integrity was the one thing that you could never have bought, but you traded it for a single term of power - power with which you did NOTHING. You did not push through the proposals and promises we had voted for. You were not the brake on the Tory wagon. You allowed them to rape our country and shatter our economy. It's no surprise that the richest in the UK have doubled their income while those at the bottom have faced the longest period of falling income in decades, is it?

You were the ones who could have changed that. You chose instead to grub in the trough with the rest of the fat cats.

Never. Again.

Of all the UK parties, you are now ranked 4th from bottom on my list, above only the Tories, UKIP and BNP. Try not to slip any further.

A former Lib Dem voter.

What is Satire, what is misrepresentation?

I'm seeing more and more sites on the net now that are producing stories very close to the mark - stories that take big issues and write about them in ways which damage, hurt, or misrepresent, what the story is about.

We've probably all seen The Onion, one of the most popular satire sites on the net. They are an example of how to do it right. They take big issues and parody them, they have fun at their expense, they satirise them. When you read one of their articles it's pretty easy to realise that you're not reading an actual, factual, news page. They highlight the big issues and bring them to your attention in a way that only the most obtuse could mistake for news.

Then you get others, like The Stately Harold. This site does not mention it is a satire site. It tries its best to look like a real news site. There is almost nothing in the 'About' except the letter from the 'editor' claiming dyslexia and deliberately misspelt. There is nothing on the 'Contact' page but a 'write your message here' box - no details of the company, no address either postal or email, no phone number, nothing.

Then you go to some of their stories, such as the recent one about ANZAC Day. They headline it with a picture showing a typical ANZAC scene with medallion on the left and a young girls photo on the right. She is introduced as the '20yo feminist writer, Cassidy Boon'. The article is purporting to be this womans feminist rant against ANZAC Day and how sexist it is. Nothing in the article suggests it's satire. Nothing in it is done with the intent of making you laugh, or poking fun, or parodying things. It's written just as if the young woman in the picture really did write it.

Except that the '20yo feminist writer, Cassidy Boon' is actually a profile pic stolen from a 13 year olds Twitter profile from a few years ago. Cassidy Boon does not now, and never has, existed as this 'feminist writer'. All over Australia though, there are people who are losing their shit over how this 'feminist writer' has attacked one of the most widely beloved and respected traditions of Australia. There are hate groups against her. There are people shouting about why THIS is why we should 'get rid of the Feminazis'.

This is not satire. This is deliberate misrepresentation designed to cause anger, hatred, disgust, and they have provided the picture of a SCHOOLGIRL to be the focus of that anger, hatred and disgust.

This is the same method the right-wing fascist parties are using on Facebook - use something that will get an immediate kneejerk emotional response and slant it to attack the groups they are against.

All I can say is, Check your sources. If you see something that immediately gets you angry, step back and think before posting. Is it true? Is is verifiable? Is is from an actual satire site? Is it in the major news networks? If you're still raging after those checks, then you will at least know you have good reason, and a strong argument in your favour for any doubters!

"But sugar feeds cancer cells!"

"But sugar feeds cancer cells!"

I've lost count of the amount of times I've seen this. It's based on research that has since been totally discredited but, like the anti vaxxers and their discredited sources, it just keeps getting used.

No. Glucose feeds cells. ALL cells. That means that sugars, starches and fats, all of which are broken down by the gut into glucose, feed the cells. Yes, that includes cancer cells, but increasing or decreasing the intake of refined sugar has been shown to have no effect on the growth of existing cancer cells.

It has also been shown that being on a ketogenic diet (less than 20 grams carbohydrate per day) can be harmful to people going through chemotherapy or radiation as at these times the body needs more energy and the ketogenic diet, with its reliance on fat as an energy source, can result in unintentional weight loss, autoimmune problems and lethargy.

Sugar is not the enemy. Too much sugar, yes, that is bad for you, whether you have cancer or not. A high intake of simple carbs such as refined sugar messes with insulin levels, causing the well-known sugar rush followed by the sugar crash. Excess carb intake can also lead to obesity which does have a corresponding increase in risk of cancer, although the researchers have yet to find out the exact correlation - if indeed there is one correlation and not many contributing factors.

As for the Paleo claims that we have not had simple carbs until recently in our evolutionary history, there is clear evidence of this in prehistory, and in the remaining paleo tribes today, in the form of tree saps, honey, use of sugar cane and similar plants, even the collection of sugar ants in native America. It may not have been so prevalent, but it has always been there.

So, does sugar feed cancer? Yes, in as much as it feeds all cells, no in that it makes no differentiation between cancerous and normal cells. Is sugar poison? No. Arsenic is a poison, cyanide is a poison, hemlock and deadly nightshade are poisons. Sugar is a simple carbohydrate that like any food should be taken in moderation. That is all.

https://www.oncologynutrition.org/erfc/healthy-nutrition-now/sugar-and-cancer/

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-causes/art-20044714?pg=2

http://www.cancercenter.com/discussions/blog/does-sugar-feed-cancer/